the land of research academia involves following long trails of research papers, each bilbiography list more like a list of doors further down the painfully long hallways towards some ridiculously advanced biophysicist white paper out of CERN.
it's almost like following email lists from the pre-modern internet style of archival information tracking. it's as if these people communicate through these far spread out books, spanning volumes over somebody's private mail server in Houston somewhere...
In the end, I'm a solipsist, so nothing I say is going to relate much to you anyway, but the 'why you exist at all' is going to irritate me until the end of time, and the only one who knows that, the most important answer of all, is you, albeit subsequently and unconsciously, me.
What if everyone who's lives I thought must have been soooo fucking cool, off doing their own thing and being all deep and real, weren't really that cool, deep or real at all? What if we're all only catching snapshots of pieces of people's lives?
I have wished on chunks of rock burning up in the atmosphere, I have wished on pools full of discarded pennies, I have wished on rising suns, I have wished on every coincidence known to man that when I turn over after a nightmare at 3am, you're coincidentally the one looking back at me, peaceful as could be.
The only thing worse than being an idealist, is being an idealist in a realists' world.
5:50am: You'll Never Guess
your story starts where you'd think, sitting alone on your bedroom floor thinking to yourself all the times he called you his whore how sick it made you feel how hot it was to hear twisted, fucked up, your perfect dream ride him for what he's worth then leave
you had all your tricks lined up sitting on his dick you played the game so hard, so wrong, so bad, it's funny how you could make 5am always come so quick how could this all come to an end? think, girl, think
lose yourself to your own self ego, rot yourself out on the hardwood floor, hours, minutes, seconds droan on forever, it's all about you, babe, it's all about you, we're all waiting to see your next move!
ha, ha, surprise surprise, wake up, he's gone at sunrise, where did it all go wrong, why didn't he stay did he see through my lies, didn't he hear my fake cries? I just wanted him to stay a while, why, why?
I hope it's eating you up 12 hours later, I hope it's burning at your soul, I hope you're the one with questions now, babe, I hope you're the one with the empty hearted hole. Here's to never finding out why, Here's to the end, your game's demise, Here's to burning your webs of perfect lies, To those in attendance, I offer a toast, Here's to the girls who learn what it means to cry.
001. stumble into the bathroom to wash your hands from what you can't even recall trip on the rug and catch yourself on the rack blood's pouring into the sink but you can't tell from where the portrait looking back at you from the glass isn't who you remembered
days, no, weeks weathered that face, you try to recall what you use to look like, what you used to sound like nothing's coming back and the room's getting darker rich and famous, drunk and poor, we all share the same last seconds, it all gets dark before we hit the floor
Is this the reset button? Is this...what is this?
A Tuesday I'm looking forward to? Sushi? Death cab? I wonder if she's in to philosophy too...the best part of most stories, to me, are the beginnings, so let's just let this one ride and see what happens...
...who knows. I sure don't. I just want to jump five stories up, flip and twist a few times, and land. Yeah. That sounds like fun...
The one where we're laying on the couch, her chest my pillow, her arm a blanket, we're curled up playing some video game together till the dead of night. Slowly I drift off to sleep, reality melt away as her hair brushes its way against my face. I wake up.
close our eyes, it's time for sleep get out of the world before we're in too deep I need to get out of here, now, I'm choking for air, screams getting loud sky getting dark, it's time to depart we're out of time, this cat's out of lives we're jumpin' ship, you in or out?
cheat on him, cheat on him, cheat on him lie to him, stab him, in the back break his heart, let him rot be the evil I cannot feel the hate I refuse do it for me, do it for you I'm losing myself, what have I done, am I really saying this, who have I become to what end will my mind bend around my heart how many times did I tell you this from the start
live this terrible misery, it's big enough for the both of us semblance of vicarity, or is this simply empathy his drunken laugh, your bloody tears, my broken heart, their laughs and cheers, they're all watching us don't you get it your life is another TV watch-it-and-forget wash it off with the rest of your make-up at night nothing will ever make this feel alright
I wish if only for a moment you could see what I see you could feel what I feel you could escape this nightmare dream take me with you, make this escape I'll save you if you save us both just don't leave me here stacked with the ghosts
I carry no weapons, only integrity. I walk without fear, only hope. I have no reputation, only character. I have no regrets, only aspirations.
I have no armor, only feelings. I have no motives, only morales. I have no greed, only love. I have nothing to hide, nothing to lose, everything to gain.
We are two men on opposite ends of the world, standing three inches apart, both our eyes turned towards her, and when you raise your fist to me, I'll raise my heart to her, because while you get your strength from yourself, I get mine from
I will give Abe's place one honest shot for a week after the heat gets turned back on, however, I'm willing to bet the end result will be no different. I've got one last shot to try and get the money I need to get my car back, I'm going to move back in with my parents for the remainder of the semester, try and get another job, give up alcohol for lent, pretty much slash quit my social life (which pretty much, at this point, was doomed to failure anyway), seclude myself to just working and school for the next 4 months, ready myself mentally, and move downtown with someone I trust this summer for good. I need to at least give my parent's advice an honest shot, because I'm just beginning to realize how lucky I am to have parents who would gladly take me back to an amazing house for free and not charge me a dime for anything, I just need to suck up the 2 hour drive every day and not having time to get blitzed every night. Personal space aside, I guess I'm just not in a position to move out, I spent too much time partying to be able to do it right now. I need to dig myself out of this God-awful hole and get my cash back in to the positive.
If I can get $5,000 banked by July, I'll be ready to move out to a straight up real apartment again and do this shit right. Right now, however, I need to make this semester count academically, everything else needs to take a backseat.
And if I really do get all of this shit straightened out and on my terms again, I swear to God as my witness I'm getting a motorcycle this summer and crossing #1 off my life's to-do list.
EVERYTHING IS FALLING THE FUCK APART AT THE SEAMS.
I am taking this hand and reshuffling the deck, I'm taking drastic options, I'm pulling the pinnacle/NUCFLASH card, I'm turning my back on everyone, I'm taking a leap, I am changing my entire life as I know it, because all I know right now is I'm freezing, I have no bed, no money, no car, no insurance, no girl, no books, no food, no beer, effectively no job, and no fucking cigarettes. This has to end now.
And I'm terrified because I know what I have to do, and it's going to involve cutting certain people either out of my life completely or drive them way back, and it sucks, a lot, but it's what I know I need to do before I just outright become a raging alcoholic starving suicidal drop out owing people money like a career gambler.
I need to spend the next two days seriously contemplating what I'm about to do for the next 6 months. Everything's on the table, from dropping my classes and resigning from the fraternity, working full time, moving out again, I don't care anymore, something's gotta give. And soon.
Status quo, I stay with Abe, I lose my car, I get sick from malnutrition, I have panic attacks about the state of his house, I become seriously depressed, I fail my classes miserably, I make no money, I lose everything else I have left, I move back in with my parents anyway and drop out of WSU and Pike for good. That's pretty much what the rest of this semester is looking like for me right now.
I need a miracle's worth of money to get out of this jam, I gotta pray my aunt will co-sign this loan and I get the money in time to save my car, I need a better job, I need a better place to live, preferably with heat. I just...need...change.